In Retrospect (or, How I Feel about Transitioning, so far)

I sat down at the computer after a twelve-hour workday, and after staring at the home page of my blog it hit me: I’m eight months on testosterone today. It shocked me for the briefest of seconds, because thinking back on my transition up until this point, I never would have imagined I’d reach a point where my trans life was so mundane and ordinary to me that I’d forget semi-major milestones. Back even a year ago, everything and anything about transition seemed so new, foreign, and wonderful. It’s crazy to think that in just a matter of months the concept of being transgender has become this normal, everyday thing.

And in a way, this makes me sad. I never thought of my gender identity as something so general and forgettable. If things were a simple, “I was born in the wrong body, now let me fix it with hormones, surgery, and name change” I probably wouldn’t have to think twice about my recent lapse in remembering my eight month mark. But it really is so much more complicated than that, probably because gender itself is so complicated. It’s something I’ve been thinking about, stuck as I am for 10-12 hours a day at work with only the term “man” to go by. It just seems too ill-equipped a term to fully encompass who I am and how I experience myself in the great sea of all things gender.

It almost makes me question everything about myself, just to double check and make sure I’m on the right page with everything. I know that hormones are right for me, so I’m not panicking just yet. So then I move on to my name change, for which I’m in the process of setting up a court date: do I really want to change it? Talking with my mom the other day, I realized that for the most part it is a necessary change, so long as I can avoid changing my birth certificate. I want to work towards my future, not cover up my past, after all. And surgery? Heck yes, this will happen, just as soon as I can get things squared away and scheduled.

Now I’m more in the process of trying to give all of this a name, so to speak. I’ve finally started encountering the trans and/or queer community where I live, and of course I’m ecstatic about all of the individual differences among us trans folk. I just don’t understand yet where I fit in. Am I an FTM? A trans guy? A queer male? A gender-neutral transmasculine person-type-thing? Or something else entirely? Do straight up “he-him-his” pronouns fully encompass who I am as a person? So many questions…and so much more time in my life to answer them. Life’s a process, even after beginning my transition. Even when I’ve met all of the benchmarks of what I want my transition to be, I will still have a lifetime of learning about myself and who I want to be. And I, the ever excited student, am excited to learn more about what I have to offer this crazy world I live in.

Five Attributes of Trans Allies

Reblogged from Matt Kailey:

Last week in my Transgender Studies class, and also at a Diversity Day presentation that I made on the Auraria Campus, we talked about allies.

In my opinion, allies are an important component of any group. They add numbers, they add voices, and in some cases, they bring a certain amount of power that is lacking because of the way that a particular group is seen in the "mainstream," where the group is trying to gain at least equality, if not acceptance.

Read more… 1,075 more words

I've gone back and forth on how I feel about trans allies. So give this a quick look through, because I at least found this quite informative and interesting.

Dating a Trans Man

I did a 3-part series with my girlfriend for YouTube.  It was actually her idea, however for privacy’s sake she remained off camera.  We wanted to try and discuss how it was for us to go through my transition, because everyone’s experience is different and we wanted to try and explore our experience.  The videos will be posted below.

Male Stereotypes

Before I go any further, I want to start off this post by stating that these are stereotypes most noticed by me in my daily life.  Stereotypes of any kind are very culture-specific, and even someone living in the same country as me might view what I’m about to talk about as somehow inaccurate.  Rest assured that these are only specific to me and my experiences.  What’s more, they only carry as much meaning as we let them.  But more on that later.

Considering my very mild social anxiety and general interest in noticing patterns and quirks of social interactions, I first started keeping a list of typical “boy” and “girl” behaviors in the ninth grade.  I gave up after two days.  Since then I’ve been acutely aware of the stereotypes surrounding men and women in American society, and in particular I noticed how much I didn’t want to fit into the feminine stereotypes.  But since I identify as off the gender binary, I didn’t necessarily automatically fit into masculine stereotypes either.  I was always just me.  This meant that while I dressed masculinely and gravitated towards general boy-ness, I didn’t deny the fact that I enjoyed other feminine things as well.

Yes, SQUEE AT THE CUTENESS!!!

Yes, I’m a demisexual trans guy who likes to bake, make friendship bracelets, and squees for joy at cute fuzzy animals.  And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

That all being said, I’ve been noticing with concerning frequency the number of restrictions there seem to be for men in this society.  They don’t show as much emotions, or limit their facial expressions.  Sex needs to be brought up in casual conversation at least once a day.  Shoes are definitely a sign of one’s coolness factor.  And whatever you do, if you are a man, you absolutely may not talk with your hands.  Talking is to be done only when necessary — or when you’re extremely pissed off.  And did I mention you can’t make gestures with your hands?

As a trans man, I find this incredibly frustrating.  Firstly, I can’t help how I express myself.  Facial expressions are things I’ve worked quite hard at, especially in light of the flat affect that my dysthymia gave me for the majority of my high school years.  Emotions, too, fall into the category of “I’ve worked so hard to get you, please don’t leave me!”  And I’m sorry, I’ve tried and tried to gain control of my hands.  They just fly about without my meaning them too, and they’re just so darn happy to help me express myself.  There’s no stopping those guys.

Ultimately, what I’m getting at is that I can’t abide by any of these cultural expectations.  As much as I’d love to call myself a man, be it trans or not, I almost feel unworthy to do so because my culture’s definition of manhood is so drastically different from my own.  While it caused me so much dysphoria to be seen as a young woman, it doesn’t help when all I want is to be “one of the guys”…and then the guys look at me and go, “Who is this weirdo and how did you infiltrate our community?”  It’s a very isolating feeling to realize that most of the guys I interact with on a daily basis didn’t grow up socialized as female.

But in the end, I am the one who gives these stereotypes meaning.  And I refuse to try and emulate guys I know in order to be more seen as “one of them”.  If being a “real man” is to compromise parts of myself, or to deny who I am in any way…then sorry, I’m not having it.  And besides: I didn’t set out on my transition to be seen as Brannen the Man.  I set out to be seen as myself.  So that’s who I’m going to be, crazy hand gestures and all.

Everyday I’m Tumblin’

Made a new Tumblr.  Long story short: I deleted my first one.  Then I realized I kept tabs on different friends and acquaintances using Tumblr.  So, here’s version 2.0: http://mxtrmeike13.tumblr.com/.

Being Stealth

First of all, I want to preface this by saying that I don’t pass 100% of the time.  On a related note, I’m still working on correcting random strangers when I end up being misgendered.  That all being said, I’m stealth at work, and at this point this makes up at least 50% of my life.  And although I’m sure my coworkers either know or have guessed at my trans identity, none of my clients seem to have a clue.  So I go about my life pretending that I’m stealth in the workplace.  It’s a nice fantasy.

…Or is it?

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what it means to be stealth.  This isn’t just a workplace issue.  This extends to friends, family, even the web.  I know of people on various social networking sites that have separate accounts so that they remain stealth online.  Basically, being stealth extends to just about every aspect of life.

And while I may prance about at work, not making any mention of my past life growing up female, and not really addressing my trans status at all…this is not my first choice.  Ideally, I would be open and honest with everyone I interact with for any great length of time.  It’s not so much that I want or need people to know I’m trans — I just like people to know exactly where I’m at, and what sorts of goodies I can bring to the proverbial table.  Knowing that I grew up as female, but now prefer to be closer to the manly/neutral side of things, is as essential to knowing who I am as it is for me to know what someone else’s hobbies are, or what sort of music they listen to.  Basically, it’s kind of important to understanding me as a human being.

There is a part of me that just wants to slide neatly into the male categorization in general interactions, don’t get me wrong.  I just feel as though I’m holding back from people if I don’t tell them I’m transgender.  I’m not entirely sure how to address this odd place I find myself in, but I suppose only time will tell how it’ll all work out.

Boihood with Brannen #10

It’s been a while since I posted one of these….