Testosterone

No, I haven’t started hormone treatment yet.  Yes, I will receive hormone treatment eventually.  By which I mean September 12th.

I realize it’s been a while since I’ve done much of anything online, or really talked to anyone about how I’m doing or where my life is going.  And I know, two weeks, how horrible of me…for shame….But in all seriousness, I saw myself trying to keep busy with almost any excuse to hide away from humanity, and I’m putting a stop to it.  There.  I put my foot down.  And I’ve been putting my foot down with myself, too, not just with how I talk to others but with how I think of myself, as well.  I told myself, “Well, just wait until we move to Illinois…”.  And then it was, “Well, I don’t have a job, so just wait until I get a job first…then I can worry about myself…”.  And now it’s becoming, “Well, I love working at Target, but it’s only seasonal for now…maybe try and find a more secure job first…”.  Or “Once I make some friends….”  Seriously, I’m stopping just short of time-travel and Apparition some days.

But here’s what’s going on.  I called a local clinic and set up a meeting with an internal medicine doctor.  (Oh yeah, did I mention that I don’t need to see an endocrinologist here to get hormones?)  I decided that I needed to stop delaying myself, because at this point that’s all I’m doing.  It’s not me weighing pros and cons anymore, because I did that for about a year, possibly more.  It’s not me regretting my decision to transition, because realistically I know that my “regret” is really just me worrying about other peoples’ reactions.  And I’m tired of doing that.  So I’m actively taking my life into my own hands and doing something positive with it.

But here’s the thing.  I’ve never, ever heard of people who talk about their reservations before starting on hormone therapy.  Heck, I barely ever hear about people discussing their fears about transitioning.  And since I’m me, constantly worrying, I figured I’d share some thoughts I’ve been having.  Plus, maybe I could get some good conversation going.  Here’s hoping.

Have I mentioned before that the thought of hormones scares the crap out of me?  I wish I could know if this is a normal reaction to impending transition.  Is it okay to be scared about leaving my old life behind, and to journey into a world only a small percentage of the population have gone into before?  It blows my mind.  I mentally cannot prepare myself for masculinizing hormones or how I’ll react to them.  And it’s not like school where I can study and pass the test, or at least scrape by with a B or B-.  I can’t study to succeed with hormones, or to get an A in Transliness.  I can’t reassure my friends and family that switching majors from Women’s to Men’s Studies is a rational, productive, or overall beneficial decision for me to make.

I just have to look back at  where I’ve been, and then look forward to where I want to go.  I can’t predict the future or change the past.  But I can act in the present to make my future a more enjoyable and, frankly,  livable one.  And now all that’s left for me to do is bite the bullet and say, Yes world, I’m transitioning from female to male.  Well, from Stephanie to Brannen.  I’m transitioning, world.  Please accept me.

3 thoughts on “Testosterone

  1. Apologies in advance – this may end up painfully long, so feel free to skip bits!

    I always see so many similarities when I read your posts (it takes all my energy just to stop myself shouting “ME TOO!” at the screen). We’re in different places, in location and in life, but rest assured that you’re not the only one thinking along those lines!

    In particular, this resonated with me hugely: “I decided that I needed to stop delaying myself, because at this point that’s all I’m doing. It’s not me weighing pros and cons anymore, because I did that for about a year, possibly more. It’s not me regretting my decision to transition, because realistically I know that my “regret” is really just me worrying about other peoples’ reactions.” I also worry intensely about my decisions, question myself at every turn, and (over?)analyse every thought that enters my brain; starting testosterone definitely came with the same side-effects!

    I’d been concerned that I was the only one worrying about it, and I’d got it into my head that I couldn’t possibly be “really” trans if I had any doubts at all, so I did what I always do when anxiety reigns… research! And I came across lots of forum posts and things where people were looking for reassurance that it was OK to have reservations. They got it – and they sort of gave each other the nod to admit to doubts where they wouldn’t have done before.

    As another Constant Worrier, my main worries about the actual hormones themselves were surrounding my skin (I’ve had acne for over a decade and it had just gone away before I started T, and apparently I’m turning vain…), singing voice (didn’t want to lose the quality I had) and the potential assimilation from one set of stereotypes to the other, if that makes sense! With regards to the result of hormones on the rest of my life, I’d worried (and still do) about potentially confusing well-meaning aqcuaintances who don’t know I’m transitioning and don’t really need to, how to handle being treated differently, what I might need to adjust to in terms of my Weird Routines and so on… and I’ve still not got it figured out, even though I’m now almost a month on T. I’m working on it though!

    And now I’ve run out of rambles, I just want to say that yes, it’s completely OK to be scared (and honestly, I wish more people were this honest about it). You can only do what’s right for you, and I hope the worries settle down for you soon, because (I would know that) it’s no fun battling yourself. Hugs if you need them.

    -JC

  2. Totally normal to be a little fearful about hormones. It is a giant chemistry experiment on your own body, after all. There’s no rush to do anything … make sure you’re totally comfortable with each move you make.

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