I sat down at the computer after a twelve-hour workday, and after staring at the home page of my blog it hit me: I’m eight months on testosterone today. It shocked me for the briefest of seconds, because thinking back on my transition up until this point, I never would have imagined I’d reach a point where my trans life was so mundane and ordinary to me that I’d forget semi-major milestones. Back even a year ago, everything and anything about transition seemed so new, foreign, and wonderful. It’s crazy to think that in just a matter of months the concept of being transgender has become this normal, everyday thing.
And in a way, this makes me sad. I never thought of my gender identity as something so general and forgettable. If things were a simple, “I was born in the wrong body, now let me fix it with hormones, surgery, and name change” I probably wouldn’t have to think twice about my recent lapse in remembering my eight month mark. But it really is so much more complicated than that, probably because gender itself is so complicated. It’s something I’ve been thinking about, stuck as I am for 10-12 hours a day at work with only the term “man” to go by. It just seems too ill-equipped a term to fully encompass who I am and how I experience myself in the great sea of all things gender.
It almost makes me question everything about myself, just to double check and make sure I’m on the right page with everything. I know that hormones are right for me, so I’m not panicking just yet. So then I move on to my name change, for which I’m in the process of setting up a court date: do I really want to change it? Talking with my mom the other day, I realized that for the most part it is a necessary change, so long as I can avoid changing my birth certificate. I want to work towards my future, not cover up my past, after all. And surgery? Heck yes, this will happen, just as soon as I can get things squared away and scheduled.
Now I’m more in the process of trying to give all of this a name, so to speak. I’ve finally started encountering the trans and/or queer community where I live, and of course I’m ecstatic about all of the individual differences among us trans folk. I just don’t understand yet where I fit in. Am I an FTM? A trans guy? A queer male? A gender-neutral transmasculine person-type-thing? Or something else entirely? Do straight up “he-him-his” pronouns fully encompass who I am as a person? So many questions…and so much more time in my life to answer them. Life’s a process, even after beginning my transition. Even when I’ve met all of the benchmarks of what I want my transition to be, I will still have a lifetime of learning about myself and who I want to be. And I, the ever excited student, am excited to learn more about what I have to offer this crazy world I live in.