Back on Track?

So.  This is my first official “Yay, I’m finally all moved to IL and ready to start my tranny* trans-awesome life!” post.  Go me.

Here’s the scoop since moving.  I’ll keep it brief, because it’s been about 2 weeks and, surprisingly, a lot of trans-related stuff has gone down since I left Minnesota.  First and foremost, I had to “detransition” while at my girlfriend’s house.  I couldn’t find the word in my dictionary, so here’s my definition:

Detransition \ditrænˈzɪʃən\ vi : the act of a trans person transitioning back to their original state; this is either done temporarily or permanently, but not necessarily for the purpose of undoing their previous transition.

Example: While at my girlfriend’s house, I detransitioned from being Brannen, a silly genderweird person-type-thing, to being Stephanie, a cisgender heterosexual female.

There were multiple reasons for this, most important of which being that the majority of her (large Catholic) family is either unaware of or does not accept our relationship with one another. Or rather, a majority are unaware.  Over half of the eight confirmed people who know are okay with our “lesbian” relationship.  This comes to the second most important reason I detransitioned: less than these eight people know I’m transitioning.  So far I only have mentioned this to two people, and one of them was fine with it.  This all being said, the one other person who doesn’t acknowledge my transition was the matriarch of the household, and I knew I was already in deep spiritual doo-doo with their religious beliefs.  Best to quit while I’m slogging my way to the forefront, let alone ahead.

So, there was that.  I also met with some long-lost friends of mine, and beside telling me that what I’m doing doesn’t align with their spiritual or religious beliefs, they’ve promised to love me anyways.  So I’m taking that, and running with it.  To be honest, I always get worried that religion will be the end of many of my relationships, be they close or otherwise.  I knew from the get-go that not everyone I knew or loved would be okay with my transition.  But so far, almost all of my family members are completely supportive of me (emotionally, at least.  Drat this nasty economy!), and what’s more, I haven’t lost any friends.  That I know of.  But I’m such a horribly nerdy introvert that, considering I can count my friends on two hands, I think I would know by now if I did….

But I digress.  Since all of this I have moved, and if you read my last post I’m doing pretty well. Now comes the tricky part of:

1. Finding a therapist

2. Finding an endocrinologist

3. Somehow contacting my insurance and sending them my letter from my last endocrinologist, certifying that no, I’m not crazy, and yes, I’m allowed to take testosterone.

4. Actually receiving my letter, since I left it at my girlfriend’s house in the hopes that her parents would come down within this next month to deliver us the stuff we couldn’t fit in the old ’96 Buick.

All in all, I’m doing pretty well.  For about the first week since arriving here I wasn’t, I’ll be honest with you.  Starting five minutes after getting on the interstate and then every day for about four days I was wrought with horrible anxiety, depression, and dysphoria.  A lot of this, I feel, had to do with the fact that I had been awake for 30+ hours at the time, and once we arrived in the C-U area it was 115° F and I was nearing the 48 hour mark.  But, all is much better now.  My sinuses are even playing nice with me, so I’m pretty much set to go.  And I have a job, so rent will hopefully be made by the end of this month.  Basically, I’m in a much better place that I was since before graduation, and I couldn’t ask for anything more.  Thank you so, so much to everyone who’s helped me get this far.  I didn’t think it was possible for me to be excited for life, and even though change scares the shit out of me, I’m looking forward to it, I think.  Because things can change for the better — and I’ll be damned if anything I choose to change will be anything but.



*This is NOT meant in a derogatory way.  I have a great friend who calls himself this as well, and personally I love using it when trying to make light of myself.  I hate taking myself too serious these days…

2 thoughts on “Back on Track?

  1. Pingback: Non-binary | Genderweird

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